Friday, August 5, 2011

Black Metal: A History

By Ponderer

So since the Eurotards over at metalstorm decided to try and silence me, and my secondary account disguises have all failed, I’ve turned to blogspot to get my words out.  They’re important.

I’m important.

But you should probably get to know me first, so here’s a brief history of ponderer before we get to the brief history of black metal: 

I know English better than all of you.  That’s just a matter of fact.  You fucking drooling, Alzheimer’s-babbling retard fuck.  You wouldn’t know complex language if it punched you right up and out and up your ass.  English is part of my fucking job, you rectum-slime.  I was reading Proust while you were shitting in diapers, you idiot clown.

There.  You know me now.

So let’s get down to business.

BLACK METAL!  The First Wave:

The only real wave, really.  But we’ll get to why that is later. 

Back in the early 80s there was a band called Mercyful Fate.  They started black metal, and they were awesome. 

No.  Scratch that.  They ARE awesome.  King Diamond is a god.


Later on, in other areas of the globe, bands like Venom and Exodus started copying Mercyful Fate.  And so it was that black metal as a genre was born. 

The first wave of black metal was characterized by high-pitched, falsetto vocals, killer, complex guitar work and solos, and King Diamond.  Fucking period.  And if you don’t think I mean “period”, then you’re just as dumb as I thought.  Seriously, to think that a bunch of babbling retard kids could have anything at all important to say about metal or contribute to the metal scene (oh, and it is a scene) is a fucking loud and hearty laugh if I’ve ever heard one.  HAHAHA!

Anyway, Mercyful Fate.  Listen to them.  Worship them.  Love them.  Love to them.  Love all over them. 

PSEUDO BLACK METAL (i.e. the 2nd wave):

So in the early 90s a pack of Scandinavian Eurofags decided they wanted to scream into their tape recorders and make-believe they were recording music.  What a fucking joke, right?  Oh-guffaw!  There’s absolutely no music to be found in the works of Mayhem, Cannibal Corpse, and Morbid Angel.  It’s a fucking jest.  They sound like a bunch of kids with Down’s Syndrome gargling spit into microphones while having tantrums on drum kits.  And they claim the title created by Mercyful Fate!  It’s a joke. 

PICTURED ABOVEThe “guitarist” from the “black metal” “band”, Darkthrone molesting a little girl.

The 2nd wave of black metal is especially characterized by one band in particular.  Enslaved.  Here’s a band that dresses like a pack of retard clowns, runs around wooded areas, and thinks their evil!  Well, pal, let me tell you something.  They aren’t evil.  They’re idiots who can’t play music.  And they’re the worst thing to happen to music since, well, ever.  When I wrote a review saying this (comio de ergo cetera, the truth) staff, and regular users alike tried to shit on me.  They squatted, got their reading materials out, hummed an old show tune, and tried to shit on me!  For telling the truth.  The truth!  Can you believe that? 

At any rate.  True Norwegian Black Metal?  More like Retard Norwegian Retard Noise.  It’s a joke!  Really!  It is!  And people listen to it.  And these same people get butthurt when people with taste criticize they’re favorite genre of music.  Really.  I’m truly laughing out loud.  Like, a lot.  

                                                                      Let’s hope not.


Alright.  So I kept this pretty simple.  But there’s the thing, black metal should be simple to understand.  There’s only one true black metal band, after all.  And that’s Mercyful Fate.  And they are black metal godliness incarnate, let me tell you.  Don’t listen to the bunch of dumbfucks and  fuckwits who run around flailing their arms at Metalstorm who say otherwise.  MSBM, as I’ll bet they call it.   They don’t know anything about anything.  They think the new Enslaved is good!  Hahahahahaha!  More like, *sigh* good god *sigh*.

P.S.  Know that you can’t silence Ponderer.  I’ll just keep coming back to metalstorm.  New names, new disguises, etc.  Just know that your champion—a champion of truth and goodness--will always be there.  Watching.  Waiting.  And that champion is me.  Consider this a warning.  Mwahahahahahahaha